HOW IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

             How is Your Relationship?

Marilyn L. Redmond, BA. ABH. IBRT

 Is your relationship functional? Is it a win-win partnership? Do you try to protect yourself from harm and feel like a victim in survival? My neighbor said, that she thought I had the perfect marriage. I looked good while I was dying on the inside.

What a surprise when I found myself getting help because my relationship had become traumatic I heard a new word, codependency. What is codependency? This is the definition for codependency in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.  A psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative person (such as a person with an addiction to alcohol or drugs) broadly: dependence on the needs of or in control by another.

What’s more, a codependent person does not recognize the responsibility individuals have for their own behavior and for seeking change. On the other hand, the other person in the codependent relationship may also be a narcissist. The dictionary   explains narcissism, as an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance.

A friend suggested I go for help and I knew I needed help. I first heard the term co-dependent when I was in treatment for codependency in a hospital setting. . With three weeks in treatment, I found answers that my behavior and thinking were not realistic. I had always felt, hopeless and helpless. I was without any understanding about an honest and healthy relationship. Each day in treatment, I received information, .films, learned meditation, and attended a discussion circles with other women in the same hospital program. My answer was to try suicide out of my dysfunctional marriage.  

Realizing I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically dependent on other people, especially my parents, relatives, and a few acquaintances, was a rude awakening. It took years later to realize my co-dependency was with a narcissist. Furthermore, the psychiatrist called my husband's behavior that of a psychopath “Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” —Paramahansa Yogananda. In addition, gaslighting can be a major part of the dominant one in the relationship. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that causes someone to lose his or her sense of perception and self-worth. I found all these labels of behavior could merge. They combine to become a person's personality for survival.

Discovering I was the other side of this kind of relationship was alarming. I never saw myself as anything but a nice, quiet wife, teacher, and mother. .At one point I realized my husband and I were both two peas in the same pea pod. I understood that like attracts like. I acted out my characteristics passively and he acted out as the aggressor in the game of Passive- Aggressive Behavior. I had to change me to not attract another unhealthy person in my life.

Raised in a family where the adults never emotionally grew up, as their background did not provide love, respect, or caring. There was no nurturing, fostering my emotional life, or hugs. The bottle was propped up at my feedings. The baby book at the time, told parents not to pick up the child when crying; I was never attended to, for resolving my troubles. As I grew into childhood, there was no talk, no trust, and no communications. I was to do the chores; I never received a compliment, thank you, or acknowledgement of the job being done, there was just another chore. This developed into my being an overachiever and workaholic looking for love and recognition. In school I did not make friends easily as a result of my not feeling apart of the family, I did not know how to be a friend or in a group. I felt lonely, friendless, and an outcast.

Even though I sat first chair for the flute in the bands and orchestras, won awards for my successes as Valedictorian, and was the first member of the family to graduate from college. My stepfather years 30 year later said, "We did not get you a college graduation gift, did we?" I was never recognized or validated as a living human being. 

My teachers acknowledged my work in good grades; I hoped my parents would do the same. In college, I found a fellow who did acknowledge me. I did not understand at the time that he was just as ignored and abused in his childhood. We dated in college and became engaged. We married. I was thinking I could change him. Over time, life became more abusive than from my family. Without co-dependency  treatment I would never had any tools to leave the marriage.

Learning about self-esteem, self-love, and that I had a Heavenly Father who loved me was new. I now based my life in reality that I was worthy and have love within my heart. Financial insecurity was a big concern. It took some time to be brave enough to divorce, as I had no idea what I would do on my own.

Over time, I learned to forgive my husband and family. I prayed what I wanted, abundance, health, love, and more for those who had mistreated me. Praying brought a new perspective to my life. This bought compassion. I looked to religion, people who were experts, answers in books, government, education, medicine, and others; I read countless biographies trying to find how other people lived their lives. I have come to understand my past taught me to look outside myself for the answers to life.

It was not until I found a spiritual path in treatment that I learned to mediate and listen to my heart. Finally, I found the real answers to life. Instead of being a barnacle to someone to take care of me, I now rely on my inner self, the God within, to take care of me and provide all the answers I need for each situation. Life is an inside job. I changed my focus to trust myself and not others for my happiness and wellbeing. Learning to trust myself has taken time, but I make my own decisions today.

With several years of reprogramming my thoughts, words, and actions from a fear base life into a love based life. I changed and became a magnet to attract a healthy partner. I became the person I wanted in a relationship. The answers had always been within. Currently, I am in a healthy relationship of over 25 years. I had been looking for love in all the wrong places.

Today, as a citizen of the universe, I love myself and have healed the past. I wrote my story and how I changed myself in my book, "Paradigm Busters" at Amazon. Today, I accept the perfect love of God and know that I am dearly loved. In my relationship, we are responsible for ourselves and share our experiences.  It is a win-win companionship.

Check out my website, https://www.angelicasgifts.com /

 Books: at  https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Rev.+Marilyn+L.+Redmond&i=digital-text&crid=8MUSPYY42KU8&sprefix=rev.+marilyn+l.+redmond%2Cdigital-text%2C156&ref=nb_sb_noss

 www.youtube.com/user/puyallup98372

Blog at http://marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com./

My latest interview at: https://youtu.be/qtVR11ug0NY

 

 

 

LIFE IS AN INSIDE JOB

LIFE IS AN INSIDE JOB

By Marilyn L Redmond

 

What is co-decency? Codependency: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative person (such as a person with an addiction to alcohol or drugs) broadly: dependence on the needs of or on control by another. This is the definition for codependency in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. 

 What’s more, a codependent person does not recognize the responsibility individuals have for their own behavior and for seeking change. The other person in the realationship may be narcissist. The dictionary   explains Narcissism, as an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance. I found over time that these seem to go together in an unhealthy relationship.

 A friend suggested I go for help and I knew I needed help I first heard the term co-dependent when I was in treatment for codependency in a hospital setting. . I had no idea what codependency was or what it meant at that time.

With three weeks in treatment, I found answers that my behavior and thinking were not realistic. I was without any way to be in an honest and healthy relationship. Each day I received information, .films, learned meditation, and attended a discussion circle of other women in the same hospital program. Realizing I had a life style that did not work was not new to me, but I had no way to address it. My answer was to try suicide out of my domestic violence marriage of alcoholism, mental illness, rage, and addictions.

Realizing I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically dependent on other people, especially my parents, husband, relatives, and a few acquaintances, was a rude awakening. This extended into my marriage even though I was trying to find healthier surroundings. I am still finding the depths of my neediness and reliance on others many years later. However, my neediness no longer predominates as it did in the past.

It took years later to realize my co-dependency was with a narcissist. The psychiatrist called my husband's behavior that of a psychopath “Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” —Paramahansa Yogananda Also gaslighting can be a major part of the dominant one in the relationship. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that causes someone to lose his or her sense of perception and self-worth. I found all these labels of behavior could be combined. They combine to become a person's personality for survival.

Discovering I was the other side of this kind of relationship was alarming. He was my mirror. I never saw myself as anything but a nice, quiet wife, teacher, and mother. I had a mask to protect myself and look good to others. .At one point I realized my husband and I were both two peas in the same pea pod. I had a similar emotional past as he did. I understood that like attracts like. I acted out my characteristics passively and he acted out as the aggressor in the game of passive aggressive behavior. I had to change me not to attract another unhealthy person in my life.

With years of recovery, I have come into a more complex understanding of my dependence. I was raised in a family that never grew up themselves, as their background did not provide love, respect, or caring. There was no nurturing, fostering of my emotional life, or hugs. In my day, there was a baby-raising book that did not encourage holding or other touching; I was not held to be bottle-fed. The bottle was propped up to feed me. The book told the parents not to pick up the child when crying; so I was never attended to, for resolving my troubles. As I grew into childhood, there was no talk, no trust, and no communications. I was to do the chores; I never received a compliment, thank you, or acknowledgement of the job being done, there was just another chore. This developed into my being an overachiever and workaholic looking for love and recognition. I found his childhood was no better.

In school, I did not make friends easily as a result of not being part of the family, I did not know how to be a friend or in a group. I felt lonely, disserted, and the outcast from people. Even thought I sat in the first chair for the flute in the band and orchestra, won awards for my successes as Valedictorian, and was the first member of the family to graduate from college. There was no recognition. My stepfather years 30 year later said, "We did not get you a college graduation gift, did we?" Moreover, I never did get a gift or other acknowledgement of many achievements. I was never recognized or validated as a living human being. 

I found myself looking outside myself for answers that were not there at home. My teachers acknowledged my work in good grades; I hoped my parents would do the same. In college, I found a fellow who did acknowledge me. I had found a person who I could talk with easily. I did not understand at the time that was because he was just as ignored and abused in his childhood. We dated in college and were engaged, when I realized his anger was more than I could deal with. 

However, with a baby on the way, we got married. Over time, life became more abusive as in my family growing up. I had brought my old self into a new circumstance that resembled what I thought I had left. At the end, he was trying to kill me and I was trying suicide to get out of the miserable situations. Without co-dependency treatment, I would never have had any tools to leave the marriage.

Learning about self-esteem, self-love, and that I had a Heavenly Father who loved me was new. I could now identify the resentments, angers, guilt, and shame of the past and let them go. I learned to let go and let God. I now base my life in reality that I am worthy and have love within my heart.. I found the God within.

After my divorce, over time, I learned to forgive my abusers and family. I prayed what I wanted, abundance, health, love, and more, for those that had mistreated me. This is about giving up the past for a new day. I wanted to move into living my life on a daily basis without being triggered from the past. Praying brought a new perspective to my life. I realized my parents had worse childhoods than I did and did the best they could. This bought compassion. I could feel their pain. I continue to pray for them, it keeps me humble.

I have come to understand my past taught me to look outside myself for the answers to life. I looked to religion, people who were experts, answers in books, government, education, medicine, and others; I read biographies trying to find how other people lived their lives. It was not until I found a spiritual path that I  learned to mediate and listen to my heart where I found the real answers to life. I read in 'A Course in Miracles" that says, " Noting outside yourself can save you; nothing outside yourself can give you peace."  

This meant I found that I could find my answers within when I listen to my intuition from my heart and in meditation. Instead of being a barnacle to someone to take care of me, I can rely on my inner self, the God within, to take care of me and provide all the answers I need for each situation. Life is an inside job.

I had to change me to become a magnet to attract a partner that I truly wanted. With several years of reprogramming my thoughts, words, and actions from a fear base life into a love based life. I did find a fellow who was healthy. With over 25 years in a relationship of unconditional love, I know you can do it too.

I had depended on the wrong answers for life. Finding the real me and knowing that I am part of the universe created in love has given me a sense of power and acceptance for which I l always longed. There is nothing wrong with me and there never was. I had been looking for love in all the wrong places. Today, as a citizen of the universe, I love myself and have healed the past. I wrote my story and how I changed myself in my book, "Paradigm Busters" at Amazon. Today, I I accept the perfect love of God and know that I am dearly loved. In my relationship, we are responsible for ourselves and share our experiences. Each day is an adventure.

Marilyn is a great soul…She is one of my most successful Lightworkers and I am extremely proud of her and grateful for her contribution to our earth. She is simply the best! –With gratitude and admiration for her talent and skill. Linda Schiller-Hanna Founder, Natural Psychic School of Metaphysics, Founder of Angel Love Healing Center, Speaker: Edgar Cayce's   A. R.E . Intuition Trainer.

Paradigm Busters at Amazon   https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Rev.+Marilyn+L.+Redmond&i=digital-text&crid=8MUSPYY42KU8&sprefix=rev.+marilyn+l.+redmond%2Cdigital-text%2C156&ref=nb_sb_noss

My video interview and radio interview on Youtube are here for your enjoyment.

Video Interview: https://youtu.be/qtVR11ug0NY

Radio Interview: https://www.blogtalkradio.com/closeupradio/2024/08/02/part-4-close-up-radio-welcomes-back-marilyn-redmond-of-angelicas-gifts

 

                        WHO'S THE MATTER WITH ME?

                           By Rev. Marilyn L. Redmond, BA, ABH, IBRT

Is the source of problems and distress from other people? There is a misunderstanding in our world that it is okay to blame others for our troubles. Are others responsible for our difficulties even, illnesses? If that is true, what does it mean for our relationships?

For years, I reacted from others' abusive and offensive ways. I thought if they were kinder, I would not feel so poorly. Like a sponge, I took on their projected angers and fears. I stayed powerless and a victim in my life by reacting to people around me. Staying wounded was the basis for my growing up. The lack of love and kindness kept me in a vigilant state. Then I thought I would be safe from harm if I were perfect. It did not seem to work, but I had no other answers in those days of how to handle the situations that were so painful.              

It is easy to point the finger at someone and not take responsibility for my own actions. This is usually called being immature. It is even compounded when both individuals in a relationship do not each take responsibility as the problems increase. This is often the case in friendships, relationships, and marriages. Pointing to the other person as the problem is a way to dodge personal accountability, 

In my marriage, I thought if he just quit drinking, we would have a good marriage. To my surprise, my problems turned out to be the same as his. We had the disease of addictions, came from mental illness, lacked being nurtured growing up, had rageful fathers, and mentally ill mothers. It took several years to realize we were mirrors to each other. The game is called Passive Aggressive; it can cause difficulty in a relationship and on a job. He was the aggressive one and I was the shy and passive one.

Alan Alda the actor, said. "Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they are fair with you." Learning to address the issue straightforward was most difficult for me. I always talked around the point so I would not be attacked. I thought it would soften the response. I lacked information about authentic communication. Being assertive was not modeled in my family. I did not feel I had the right to speak up  As a child when  I did speak up, I was slapped in the face for speaking back to my elders. Therefore,  I did not have social skills for self-expression. Over time, I realized as an adult that I needed to learn skills to have real communiqué. 

Learning true communication was a shock to my system. Feeling an inner change in learning a new way to speak, was scary. The book, "A Guide to Assertive Living, Your Perfect Right" by Robert El Alberti, Ph.D. and Michael L. Emmons, Ph.D. was information where I could really understand the new basis for expressing myself. It was a practical book to use with examples.

Being assertive allows you to be the person you want to be, to feel good, about yourself, and to demonstrate your respect for the rights of others. There are ways to resolve issues that arise from passive aggressive people. Being assertive is a means to stand up for myself, convey anger, reach out to others, build relationships, express affection, and to be direct.

For me the cure is to forgive the person and forgive myself, for the spiritual script I wrote, as this was my path to wholeness. Next, learning to love myself so I no longer am the victim and worthy to speak up, is essential. Then I found loving myself brought me the love I wanted from within. The person is my mirror to what I need to heal in me. It was not from another person.

Since my past sufferings are history, I do not need to bring them into the current situation. I can release those earlier painful situations for being in the present. The dated memories are no longer relevant. My book, "Paradigm Busters" at Amazon has the details of how to release ancient misery. This leaves space for love to replace that space.

Today being in a healthy relationship shows that I changed my communication skills because like attracts like. Becoming a magnet for a companion with healthy ways to communicate is a reward for the efforts. Being able to express my feelings safely takes time, but is worth the effort.

The Hawaiian Prayer, Ho’oponopono “I Love You, I am Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You” brought real inner peace for me. Since we all are one in the spirit of love, I can say, "I love you". Given that it takes two people to play the passive aggressive game I say, "I am sorry for my part", putting the situation into the past. Then, I say, "Please forgive me. I want to give up the past for a new day". Next, the most important part is to say, "Thank you". Knowing that I wrote my script for the other person to play that part for my growth into forgiveness, gratitude, compassion, and unconditional love brings my responsibility for the situation. They played their part well.

In my current relationship, I have the ability to be honest, straightforward, and safe to express myself, which was not possible in my domestic violent marriage. Relationships are mirrors they do not heal me, but allow me to see my growth. The Little Soul and the Sun: A Children's Parable by Neale Donald Walsch explains this consciousness beautifully.

I like the movie star Katherine Hepburn's comment when Barbara Walters asked her if Spencer  Tracy  ever told her his feelings   She thought for a moment and said "No, but I am in ecstasy when I am with him." Being with a person who respects you, does not heal you; you have to heal yourself and be happy wherever you are.   

My books are being distributed internationally to prisons and used as a booked study in San Quentin. I was just included in the current, prodigious book, "Who's Who in America. This concept is explained further in her books, You Tubes, readings, and counseling. Marilyn Redmond is an ordained minister for spiritual counseling, readings, regression, IBRT, and healing, ABH. In addition, she is a teacher, speaker, and medium offering information from the other side for illness, relationships, and issues in your life. Marilyn can help you find health, happiness, and prosperity.

Marilyn Redmond is an ordained minister for spiritual counseling, readings, regression, IBRT, and healing, ABH. In addition, she is a reader, teacher, speaker, and medium offering information from the other side for illness, relationships, and issues in your life.  Find your health, happiness, and prosperity. Web site: Angelicasgifts.com, Blog: marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com./You Tube: youtube.com/user/puyallup98372, amazon.com/Marilyn-Redmond/e/B0069WIKDC

 

 

Pearls of Wisdom

 

 While visiting relatives several years ago, I saw a book about Mother Teresa on their coffee table. I am an avid reader so I picked up the book and was intrigued by the anecdotes. I found pearls of wisdom as I enjoyed reading the wonderful stories. One especially stood out to me that I would like to share. This insight is a great help to maintain confidence, sanity and success. This astuteness was found on the wall in her home for children in Calcutta.

 People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

 If you have been reading my articles in the Sussex Newspaper, you will understand this wonderful advice. Yes, people have off days, act unreasonably and selfish. I find they are wounded people usually trying to do their best with the tools they have or do not have.  Many are raised in poor family conditions that did not promote self-esteem and self-love. I accept that it could not have been any different. Today it does not reflect on my own value or self-esteem. I forgive them as they do not even know what they are doing as it is the only way they know.

 Always being kind brings great rewards as what you send out returns. I have learned to send out love and it is returning. For me that is a huge change from my past which you have read about.  Now, good things are happening in my life that I never thought would. If my friends are dependent on my being a success for them to be my friend, I would rather not have that kind of person in my life today. If they are jealous of my success, it shows their lack of maturity in honoring someone's wins. When I support others that comes back to support me. I do not need fair weather friends.   

 I have to be honest and sincere today, as that is the way. When others deceive me, it seems to come back on them. They really are deceiving themselves and it has nothing to do with me. This is not an easy lesson, but with effort, I have come not to buy into their game. In addition, it is better to learn to design beyond past creations, I discovered. The lesson for me is that fresh efforts are actually better in my new life. I actually went past the old ideas and found better and added results. Like a ladder, I moved a step into a higher level that enhanced my creativity.

 I did find some people jealous with my improved life of happiness and serenity. I was asked to leave an organization. A list of what I did wrong was presented to me without any way for me to explain the misinformation listed. Later I realized I had outgrown this group and my growth into joy was not for them. Leaving was actually a gift. Furthermore, doing good deeds give me great pleasure and even if others forget, my memories give me a pleasant inner feeling that no one can change. My own inner joy is the best reward.  

Trying to do my best has always been my goal. However, nowadays with my new attitudes and inner housecleaning, it comes from my heart. This has shown a difference in how life happens for me. It was not noticed before. Today, it can or may not be noticed, but I am content with me and not needing validation to enjoy my best efforts.

 Now I understand what others think of me is none of my business. I benefit from the good feelings and gladness that my efforts bring. God is energy in expansion and when I share, do my best, do well, am honest, sincere, and kind; the person that benefits is me. If others like my contribution, help, or assistance that is their choice. I do it from my heart and my heart sings in joy. I do what I do because it is admirable for me.       

My books are being distributed internationally to prisons and used as a booked study in San Quentin. I was just included in the current, prodigious book, "Who's Who in America. This concept is explained further in her books, You Tubes, readings, and counseling. Marilyn Redmond is an ordained minister for spiritual counseling, readings, regression, IBRT, and healing, ABH. In addition, she is a teacher, speaker, and medium offering information from the other side for illness, relationships, and issues in your life. Marilyn can help you find health, happiness, and prosperity.

 Check out her website, http://angelicasgifts.com/

Books: at https://www.amazon.com/Marilyn-Redmond/e/B0069WIKDC

Barnes and Nobel https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/Marilyn+Redmond?_requestid=16065424 176 videos on You Tube at  https://www.youtube.com/user/puyallup98372

Blog at http://marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com/