Marilyn L. Redmond
There were several unspoken laws in our family. I lived in a lack
of truth as telling the truth was a slip-up. Consequently, I did not tell
myself the truth and lived in the fantasy of pretending that our family had no
problems and that we were all right.
In the last column, I wrote about breaking the rule of "no
talk". In my adult life, I no longer had to pretend. Instead of hiding the
real story, it was essential for me to find a safe place to break the long time
silence. Fortunately, there are support and recovery programs that support the
ability to tell the truth with no reprisal. It became possible to share my
fears and secrets safely when I found a higher power that would love me, no
matter what I related from my past.
My earliest memories were watching my parents deal with life. As a
child growing up, I never questioned their reactions to life situation. I lived
in their lack of reality. Finally, I had to separate the truth from the false.
This was frightening because I would finally have to remove my mask of looking
good.
Breaking the code of silence was very scary at first. Was I
betraying my family by stepping out of the shadows into the light of truth? I
found enough courage to open up and expose the truth because I wanted out of my
hell. At first, I wrote out my resentments, fears, and behaviors that plagued
me. Facing these facts was not easy after years of hiding them.
My first honesty was with a counselor. A bigger picture enfolded seeing
my denials, selfishness, and dishonesty. Cleaning up my side of the street was
becoming necessary to bring facts into the issues. I never saw myself without
liabilities before. It became obvious to me while discussing my reactions to
life challenges, I had acted like the scared child that I was. I was still
three years old seeing life through my survival eyes of seeing my father beat
my mother. I had never grown up. I tried to be perfect so I would not be
physically attacked. Seeing where I was fearful brought new insights.
I found that my biggest fear came from trying to avoid bodily
harm. Discovering that as an adult, I could remove myself from unsafe places,
was life changing. This would give me the ability emotionally
to grow up. Claiming my power as a child of a loving higher power gave me the
courage to take care of me. It was time to grow up.
Surprisingly, I found a new understanding after my opening up with
a trusted friend who understood what I wanted to accomplish. It was the right
time to start my journey of honesty, with myself and another person. One
important piece of awareness was that every time I pointed my finger of blame
there were three fingers pointing back at me, she informed me. If I were
blaming others, I was not taking responsibility for my part.
I realized that my survival had created a selfish person by using
others for my security. I was looking for love from parents who could not love.
I married thinking I would find love. Growing up, I reacted in fear that I
learned from my parents along with fear I experienced from my own abuse. As an
adult, I have a choice to respond more appropriately.
Sharing my hurts and harms of growing up and from my abusive marriage
were finally being told. As my parents had severe childhoods growing up, they
had not matured, either. They could not teach me how to respond in loving
solutions to life issues. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. My
favorite quote from A Course in Miracles, says, “Your
task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers
within yourself that you have built against it. It is not necessary to seek for
what is true, but it is necessary to seek for what is false.”
I could release my fears as
I moved into faith. Recognizing that I could not have faith and fear at the
same time gave me choice. I prefer to walk in faith today and have outgrown the
childish fearful reactions of my past. Now, I understood that I could move forward
into a new adventure of being fearless.
My new journey was forward into the light, leaving the darkness.
After responding in a positive way to life challenges, it feels like I am in
the presence of love. I heard the phrase, "Turn to your Father of Light in
all things". It now became clear to me the light would dispel the darkness
as turning on the light switch in a dark room.
More understanding came as I sorted out my old thinking and ideas.
I had worried about my financial insecurity from my mother's stressful
childhood. Now, I realized that I always had a roof over my head and food at
dinner.
My biggest illumination came while sorting out the truth from a
childhood request. During the episode of seeing my dad beat by mother, I prayed
to be off the face of the earth so he would not beat me, too. It was like a
death wish. Every drink of alcohol or pill was a nail in my coffin. My
addictions were killing me from the death wish of a three year old.
I finally understood that my father was never going to beat me. He
treated me like a princess. I had spent a life living out the need to protect
myself based in a false belief of a three year old. I emotionally had blocked
his kindness to me from my false belief that I would be physically hurt like my
mother. Recognizing that the arguments between my mother and dad were about
their difficulties and not about me brought a new awareness. Releasing the past
and future fantasies from my head is a gradual victory. I no longer need to
listen to my brain’s messages that kept repeating from events that hold no
meaning anymore.
Understanding that I wrote my life’s script to move my energy into
unreserved love was a new piece of information. Transforming my thinking to forgiveness,
compassion, gratitude, and unconditional love gave me a new perception. I can
now see through the eyes of God and know all is good. These people played their parts for me to
discover reality. I could move from a fear-based life into a love- based life. I
can choose to be a love-finder rather than a faultfinder. Finally, I found my
inner peace.
Merry
Christmas and a Happy New Year!
