LIFE IS AN INSIDE JOB
By Marilyn L Redmond
What is co-decency? Codependency: a psychological condition or a
relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire
for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or
manipulative person (such as a person with an addiction to alcohol or drugs) broadly: dependence on the
needs of or on control by another. This is the definition for codependency in
the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
What’s more, a codependent person does not recognize
the responsibility individuals have for their own behavior and for seeking
change. The other person in the realationship may be narcissist. The
dictionary explains Narcissism, as an extremely self-centered person who has an
exaggerated sense of self-importance. I found over time that these seem to go
together in an unhealthy relationship.
A friend
suggested I go for help and I knew I needed help I first heard the term
co-dependent when I was in treatment for codependency in a hospital setting. .
I had no idea what codependency was or what it meant at that time.
With three
weeks in treatment, I found answers that my behavior and thinking were not
realistic. I was without any way to be in an honest and healthy relationship.
Each day I received information, .films, learned meditation, and attended a discussion
circle of other women in the same hospital program. Realizing I had a life
style that did not work was not new to me, but I had no way to address it. My
answer was to try suicide out of my domestic violence marriage of alcoholism,
mental illness, rage, and addictions.
Realizing I
was emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically dependent on other
people, especially my parents, husband, relatives, and a few acquaintances, was
a rude awakening. This extended into my marriage even though I was trying to
find healthier surroundings. I am still finding the depths of my neediness and
reliance on others many years later. However, my neediness no longer
predominates as it did in the past.
It took years later to realize my co-dependency was with a narcissist. The psychiatrist called my husband's behavior that
of a psychopath “Some people try to be tall
by cutting off the heads of others.” —Paramahansa Yogananda Also gaslighting can be a major part of
the dominant one in the relationship. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that causes
someone to lose his or her sense of perception and self-worth. I found all
these labels of behavior could be combined. They combine to become a person's
personality for survival.
Discovering I was the other side of this kind of relationship
was alarming. He was my mirror. I never saw myself as anything but a nice,
quiet wife, teacher, and mother. I had a mask to protect myself and look good
to others. .At one point I realized my husband and I were both two peas in the
same pea pod. I had a similar emotional past as he did. I understood that like attracts like. I acted out my
characteristics passively and he acted out as the aggressor in the game of
passive aggressive behavior. I had to change me not to attract another
unhealthy person in my life.
With years of
recovery, I have come into a more complex understanding of my dependence. I was
raised in a family that never grew up themselves, as their background did not
provide love, respect, or caring. There was no nurturing, fostering of my
emotional life, or hugs. In my day, there was a baby-raising book that did not
encourage holding or other touching; I was not held to be bottle-fed. The
bottle was propped up to feed me. The book told the parents not to pick up the
child when crying; so I was never attended to, for resolving my troubles. As I
grew into childhood, there was no talk, no trust, and no communications. I was
to do the chores; I never received a compliment, thank you, or acknowledgement
of the job being done, there was just another chore. This developed into my
being an overachiever and workaholic looking for love and recognition. I found
his childhood was no better.
In school, I
did not make friends easily as a result of not being part of the family, I did
not know how to be a friend or in a group. I felt lonely, disserted, and the
outcast from people. Even thought I sat in the first chair for the flute in the
band and orchestra, won awards for my successes as Valedictorian, and was the
first member of the family to graduate from college. There was no recognition.
My stepfather years 30 year later said, "We did not get you a college
graduation gift, did we?" Moreover, I never did get a gift or other
acknowledgement of many achievements. I was never recognized or validated as a
living human being.
I found myself
looking outside myself for answers that were not there at home. My teachers
acknowledged my work in good grades; I hoped my parents would do the same. In
college, I found a fellow who did acknowledge me. I had found a person who I
could talk with easily. I did not understand at the time that was because he
was just as ignored and abused in his childhood. We dated in college and were
engaged, when I realized his anger was more than I could deal with.
However, with
a baby on the way, we got married. Over time, life became more abusive as in my
family growing up. I had brought my old self into a new circumstance that
resembled what I thought I had left. At the end, he was trying to kill me and I
was trying suicide to get out of the miserable situations. Without
co-dependency treatment, I would never have had any tools to leave the
marriage.
Learning about
self-esteem, self-love, and that I had a Heavenly Father who loved me was new.
I could now identify the resentments, angers, guilt, and shame of the past and
let them go. I learned to let go and let
God. I now base my life in reality that I am worthy and have love within my
heart.. I found the God within.
After my
divorce, over time, I learned to forgive my abusers and family. I prayed what I
wanted, abundance, health, love, and more, for those that had mistreated me.
This is about giving up the past for a
new day. I wanted to move into living my life on a daily basis without
being triggered from the past. Praying brought a new perspective to my life. I
realized my parents had worse childhoods than I did and did the best they
could. This bought compassion. I could feel their pain. I continue to pray for
them, it keeps me humble.
I have come to
understand my past taught me to look outside myself for the answers to life. I
looked to religion, people who were experts, answers in books, government,
education, medicine, and others; I read biographies trying to find how other
people lived their lives. It was not until I found a spiritual path that I learned to mediate and listen to my heart
where I found the real answers to life. I read in 'A Course in Miracles"
that says, " Noting outside yourself can save you; nothing outside
yourself can give you peace."
This meant I
found that I could find my answers within when I listen to my intuition from my
heart and in meditation. Instead of being a barnacle to someone to take care of
me, I can rely on my inner self, the God within, to take care of me and provide
all the answers I need for each situation. Life is an inside job.
I had to
change me to become a magnet to attract a partner that I truly wanted. With
several years of reprogramming my thoughts, words, and actions from a fear base
life into a love based life. I did find a fellow who was healthy. With over 25
years in a relationship of unconditional love, I know you can do it too.
I had depended
on the wrong answers for life. Finding the real me and knowing that I am part
of the universe created in love has given me a sense of power and acceptance
for which I l always longed. There is nothing wrong with me and there never
was. I had been looking for love in all the wrong places. Today, as a citizen
of the universe, I love myself and have healed the past. I wrote my story and
how I changed myself in my book, "Paradigm Busters" at Amazon. Today,
I I accept the perfect love of God and know that I am dearly loved. In my relationship,
we are responsible for ourselves and share our experiences. Each day is an
adventure.
Marilyn
is a great soul…She is one of my most successful Lightworkers and I am
extremely proud of her and grateful for her contribution to our earth. She is
simply the best! –With gratitude and admiration for her talent and skill.
Linda Schiller-Hanna Founder, Natural
Psychic School of Metaphysics, Founder of Angel Love Healing Center, Speaker:
Edgar Cayce's A. R.E . Intuition
Trainer.
Paradigm Busters
at Amazon https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Rev.+Marilyn+L.+Redmond&i=digital-text&crid=8MUSPYY42KU8&sprefix=rev.+marilyn+l.+redmond%2Cdigital-text%2C156&ref=nb_sb_noss
My video interview and radio
interview on Youtube are here for your enjoyment.
Video Interview: https://youtu.be/qtVR11ug0NY
Radio Interview: https://www.blogtalkradio.com/closeupradio/2024/08/02/part-4-close-up-radio-welcomes-back-marilyn-redmond-of-angelicas-gifts
