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| Marilyn L. Redmond, BA, ABH, IBRT |
Mysticism is a path of action. Growing up, taking action for me was not part of my life. In a dysfunctional family, I was not allowed to make choices for myself. Finally, living on my own and on a spiritual path changed that. The fear of being punished for the wrong decisions could upset someone's plan. I felt that I would be doomed if I got off the fence and took action in my life. My parents thought their wishes were not to be disrupted by anyone. For me to make a preference was a frightening idea. What if someone did not like my choice? I had always been a fence sitter, as what if I made the wrong decision and things did not go well.
My first action was to allow my feelings to thaw from being frozen for years. It was necessary for me to find a safe place and get honest with myself. Opening up with honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness to move out of my victimization, was a huge step. I needed to tell my story and began to learn about feelings. Fortunately, I found a psychiatrist who understood my plight and I felt safe to finally share what was bottled up inside for many years. I was heard for the first time and was given some assistance to understand the mental illness in my family. He patiently listened and made a few validating comments if I were on tract.
My next action took courage to talk about my resentments, fears, and abuse that kept me a victim and wounded. I was breaking the family rules. I was not allowed to talk or have feelings in the family; there was no real communication. I became a walking robot without feelings.
The decision to attend 12 step meetings was life changing. I found a mentor to continue the role of the psychiatrist. Another action included stopping my prescriptions so I could be rational in making healthy decisions. Gradually, I was able to make decisions that would alter my life completely.
Getting a divorce, living on my own, being responsible for a house, and finances were measures I needed to assume. Over time, I was able to move into an ordinary life style by my sane decisions to take appropriate steps at the right time and for the right reasons.
I found the more I took action the better my life felt. My energy felt like the old troubles were flowing out. The ability to release the past abuse felt like my life was lightening with less baggage weighing me down. Over the years, I still am releasing past harms, people, and situations that kept me a prisoner in my own head.
Learning to replace my negative perspective for a positive one became my goal for coming out of my own mental dungeon. I continually have more feelings surface. It is like peeling the onion; more seems to surface and fill the empty spaces when I release old feelings. Attending Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families meetings gives me an opportunity for a gratifying path out of my mental jail.
Action was necessary for adopting new behaviors to free me from past circumstances. I saw it as doing the right next thing. However, finding self-esteem enough to take on my personal power did not happen overnight. I had to reframe my resistance and judgment to bring courage for my necessary new conduct promoting a better and healthier life style. Learning about faith to replace my fear worked for me.
My next step became forgiveness. If I want peace then I need to forgive those in my past, totally. After that my new focus became the "Now" which is reality. When I release the past to live in the moment, it becomes a gift called The Present. Nowadays, my mind retrieves few harmful memories or resentments.
New ideas and actions are necessary and productive for growth to become a mature person. Day by day, I have grown beyond the scared child that I was, too frightened to speak up or be accountable. I learned to respond in loving resolutions to heal circumstances, people, and harms done that caused me to be angry from being neglected and not nurtured.
My newest action is to have compassion for those that caused my woundedness. I realized I do not have to relive their painful lives. Recognizing that they were ill-treated people passing on their hurts and harms to me, I pray for those people. With thirty-six years into the spiritual path, I found the results to be worth every action I have taken. Through my moving into a more awakened emotional place, I can be as happy as I choose to be.
My job is to find happiness in my life with an open heart to enjoy it. Applying these ideas that are in my book, "Paradigm Busters" at Amazon, I found a Heavenly Father who has always been there for me and is my true parent.
