When I was drinking, I was mostly numb. I was stuffing them by using alcohol. The abuse and harms of my past were not pleasant and to feel them was not gratifying. Not being emotionally available was survival in growing up and my marriage. I walked through the paces and looked good while I was dying inside.
Then when my psychiatrist gave me
Valium for anxiety, I really became a walking robot. When each of my parents
died, I could not understand why I did not cry. When I put down my loving cat,
I did not shed tears and I wanted to. For me, stopping drinking and then
the prescriptions did not bring an emotional life.
At one point, my mentor told me to
listen to my gut, when I asked her some questions. I was closed down; I was
still in fear. Subsequently I found fear, workaholism, and overachieving kept
my feelings buried, too. I never had feelings this was a mystery to me.
Releasing my fears was possible I
read. I became fearless through releasing each fear one by one, and replacing
it with love and grace. (See "Paradigm Busters Reveal the Real You"
at Amazon or on line at Barnes and Nobel.) Less stress allowed me to work at a
more reasonable pace in writing books, articles, and counseling others was
necessary. Surprisingly, my feelings began to surface. What do you do with
feelings?
The first time I really needed an
answer I asked myself if it was wise to go with my irate husband golfing. He
was throwing a bigger tantrum than usual. I wanted to go, but being with him in
that state was not going to be pleasant. I laid down to be in a meditative
state. I asked myself what it felt like to go golfing while he was in such a
tirade. I felt peace in my gut. Then I asked myself if I stay home and do not
go, how does that feel? A strong bristly feeling replaced the peace. I repeated
this to make sure I had the message right.
It surprised me that I would feel
peace while he was ranting. I listened to my gut and I went golfing. I used the
peace I felt, as my sign. On the third hole just before I teed off, I actually
felt good. I had a wonderful feeling of enjoying the game in the beautiful
morning sunshine. I had not let my husband's anger control my getting pleasure
from a golf game on a pleasant day.
More feelings arrived and
bewildered me. When my mental illness came up erupting as a huge
emotional volcano, I knew by then that it was the old energy needing to
leave and to let it express completely. My mentor had informed me earlier from
releasing anger, to let it all out, so I would not have it return.
I stood in the living room with my
outburst. My inner voice said, "Yippy, skippy, it is leaving" meaning
the old energy of the mental illness was moving out of my emotional history.
This allowed my emotions to start flowing. My emotional past was leaving. I
knew by then, that emotions are "energy in motion" and allowing them
to flow provided emotional openness. I heard from a friend "Hang on to
your hat; you are in for the roller coaster rid of your life. I found it is
normal to have highs and then low times. They tell me if I am on track doing
God's will.
After time, a big change came as I
let down my emotional walls I built around my heart to protect me. Each broken
wall brought my boyfriend emotionally closer to me. I was the one stopping closeness;
I felt the difference, immediately.
When I drank, I ran from feeling
anything. Fear had stopped my feelings from functioning appropriately. Using a
daily spiritual program and not drinking, I respond in loving solutions to what
challenge is in front of me. I have negative feelings if I am not aligned with
the steps of my program. Recently, I was driving to see a friend, when I felt
my heart change. I realized that my heart had just opened up completely so I
could feel all my feelings that flow through me.
I heard one time that, "When
I am doing God's will, I feel good, if I am not, I do not feel good."It
became obvious to me that I wanted to align with God's. My feelings have become
my feedback to how my life is going. I understand now, to embrace my
feelings. It took time for my heart to be fully open to expressing appropriate
emotions. This put my life on a much higher plane for being understanding and
accessible.
Applying the steps to release the
barriers to love made the difference. I substituted the positive for the
negative. I feel whole, happy, and contented. Finally, I feel real, whole, and
grown-up. When my friend's dog died last week, surprisingly without
thinking, I had tears and sadness at the time. I finally had tears for my cat.
In addition, I received some wonderful news about my spiritual writing and work
is being distributed internationally. I am still enjoying the good feelings
that I am contributing to the happiness and well-being of others. I feel good;
I feel the presence of love. Love is the key.
My degrees include, a BA in
Education, CHT, IBRT. I am an International Award Winning writer, international
Speaker, Counselor, Medium, Tarot/Psychic Reader, Author, Artist, and Ordained
Minister for spiritual healing and Past Life Regressionist. Through my life
experiences of coming out the other side, my wisdom, and knowledge helps
others.
I am an author of 10 books and
eBooks on Amazon and on line at Barnes and Nobel. My books are distributed to prisons around the world. I am in the middle of a new
book sharing my angel experiences. I also write two columns a month, one as a
wellness expert and one on recovery from addiction. My blog is well read. My
focus is on relationships, enriching your life, Holistic Health & Healing,
addictions, and mediumship through channeling and psychic readings. In
addition, I write on educational issues as a retired teacher.
Check out my
website, angelicasgifts.com, blog at marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com and 172
You Tubes at https://www.youtube.com/user/puyallup98372 Email
her at marilyn@angelicasgifts.com
